About Us - FishYouCanFuck.com

><(((°> ABOUT FISHYOUCANFUCK.COM - EST. 1996 ><(((°> • A story of love, fish, and one very fast internet connection (56k) • • RIP Gerald. He never got laid. We're fixing that for everyone else. •

OUR STORY

It was the summer of 1996. Dave Kowalski, a 34-year-old systems administrator from Tucson, Arizona, sat alone in his garage watching his goldfish, Gerald, swim in sad, celibate circles.

"Gerald," said Dave, "you're lonely. I can see it in your little eyes. You deserve to get some."

Gerald said nothing. He was a fish.

But the seed was planted. Dave, who had recently acquired a 56k modem and a copy of HTML for Dummies (2nd Edition), spent the next three weekends building FishYouCanFuck.com on his Pentium II. The domain cost $35. His wife Brenda thought he was doing "computer stuff." She was correct, technically.

The first member to sign up was a bass named Derek from Wisconsin. Derek found love within six hours. Dave wept. Gerald watched from his tank. Gerald never found anyone. Gerald died in 2001. This one's for you, Gerald. We will keep getting fish laid until the seas run dry.

><(((°> FOR GERALD. <°)))><

OUR MISSION

At FishYouCanFuck.com, we believe that every fish deserves to get absolutely railed by a compatible aquatic partner in a safe, consensual, and well-oxygenated environment. From the humble guppy to the magnificent whale shark (currently on our premium tier, $19.99/month, extra charge for size), no aquatic creature should have to face spawning season alone.

Our values:

Inclusivity — We welcome all species, water temperatures, salinity levels, and gill configurations. We also accept technically-not-fish if they are willing and their profiles are honest. (Octavio: we see you. We support you. Eight arms is a selling point.)
Safety — We strongly advise vetting your date before meeting in open water. Particularly piranhas. The safeword is "upstream." Use it. FishYouCanFuck.com is not liable for being eaten.
Consent — Explicit consent required before all spawning. Even if you're a salmon who only has one chance left. Especially then. Be respectful.
Privacy — Your data lives in fish_profiles.txt on Dave's PC. Very secure. Dave has a password. It is "gerald1." He is working on it.

MEET THE TEAM

The dedicated humans and one fish behind FishYouCanFuck.com.

 _____
[D A V E]
 -----

Dave Kowalski Founder & CEO
Former sysadmin. Grief-driven entrepreneur. Owner of Gerald's memorial plaque. Runs the server from his garage. Brenda still doesn't know.

 _______
[L I N D A]
 -------

Linda Fishburne Head of GillMatch™
Studied marine biology for two semesters. Dropped out to pursue "applied aquatic romance theory." Developed the quiz. Will defend it to her grave.

 ><(((°>
 GERALD II

Gerald II Chief Experience Officer
Goldfish. Replacement for Gerald I. Has not yet found love but is actively using the platform. Three winks sent. Zero replies. We believe in him.

 ________
[T Y L E R]
 --------

Tyler (intern) Web Development
Built the starfield and the bubble animations. Very proud of both. Paid in fish facts and occasionally a Subway footlong. Has met three fish through the site personally. Won't elaborate.

 ________
[B R E N D A]
 --------

Brenda Kowalski Dave's Wife / CFO
Still believes Dave runs "a fish hobbyist forum." Manages the $0.99 wink revenue with impressive precision. Has accidentally become very good at this. Does not want to know what "this" is.

 ><(((°>
 RIP 2001

Gerald I (1993-2001) Original Inspiration
He started it all. He never found love. He never got laid. We are making sure no fish after him suffers the same fate. He is buried in the backyard near the azaleas, next to a small sign that says "He Deserved Better."

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Server Hardware	Pentium II 400MHz • 128MB SDRAM • 8GB HDD • runs hot
Operating System	Windows NT 4.0 SP6 (please don't PING us)
Web Server	Microsoft IIS 4.0 (please, seriously, don't hack us)
Database	fish_profiles.txt (1.2MB, manually updated by Dave each Tuesday)
Internet Connection	56k modem • upgraded to 512k DSL in 2004 • Dave framed the receipt
Location	Dave's Garage, 14 Maple Drive, Tucson, AZ (not the real address)
Uptime	99.2% (Dave's cat Pudding sat on the power strip. Once. It will not happen again.)
GillMatch™ Algorithm	7 questions • 4 outcomes • 97% accuracy (this number is made up)
Spawning Facilitated	847 confirmed • 12 disputed • 3 "none of your business"

* All of this is made up. The actual site runs on a modern VPS with nginx. Dave is fictional. Brenda is fictional. Gerald was real in our hearts.

~><>~ ~><>~ ~><>~ ~><>~ ~><>~

FishYouCanFuck.com

~~ OUR STORY ~~

~~ OUR MISSION ~~

~~ MEET THE TEAM ~~

~~ TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS ~~

OUR STORY

OUR MISSION

MEET THE TEAM

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS